Life has been una mierda lately, so that’s why I bring you Rosalinda, a telenovela so violent, demented and depressing it’ll make you feel like your life is sunshine and rainbows because telenovelas are hell.
This telenovela tells the story of Rosalinda. She’s young, hot and dating Fernando Jose, a stud who’s so crazy about her, it looks like he’s cumming in his pants every time he looks at her.
Their lives could not be happier. She even gets pregnant, and gives birth to a baby that comes out of her vagina perfectly clean. No blood, not even an umbilical chord. These two are so damn happy and smiley that you just know something bad’s about to happen. Like when you eat a questionable street hot dog and start to feel something bubbling in your gut.
And that’s when you meet Valeria Fernando Jose’s Ronald McDonald looking, anger management needing step-mother. Valeria hates Rosalinda, and the very day the couple comes home from the hospital, Valeria drops by to tell Fernando Jose that Rosalinda’s mother murdered his dad. Being the extra large idiot that he is, Fernando believes her and abandons his wife and baby like a little pussy boy.
Rosalinda wakes up from a peaceful nap to find her psycho mother-in-law striking a pose on her door and informing her that her husband’s just left her. Rosalinda faints from the shock and drops her baby on its head which Valeria then steals from her.
That’s just the tip of the telenovela iceberg. When Rosalinda realizes her baby’s been stolen, she goes into full crisis mode, roaming the streets with her pieses descalzos asking strangers, “Have you seen my baby? She’s small and round like an albondiga,” and then passes out in a public park.
While asshole of the year Fernando Jose drives around his convertible feeling sorry for himself, Rosalinda gets put into an insane asylum where she spends all day nursing a doll that she thinks is her baby. Rosalinda’s roomie in the asylum, an important looney tooney, steals her baby and then lights herself on fire, causing the entire building to explode.
Everyone thinks Rosalinda died, so they bury her. And during her funeral, Fernando Jose is very sad. But not too sad to go on and marry Rosalinda’s sister. Little did he know that Rosalinda actually survived, but lost her memory. So she’s once again roaming the streets, burned, dirty and getting attacked by a homeless man who forces her to turn to a life of crime.
One night while she’s out robbing houses, she stumbles into the home of a sexy, Brad Pitty looking talent manager who gets one look at her and says, “I’m gonna make you a star, kid!” Next thing we know, her face is in every newspaper, she’s performing for packed theaters, and she’s rich as can be. The end.
Just kidding. Obviously I’m kidding. Open up your umbrellas ‘cause a piss storm’s a comin’.
One night Rosalinda attends a concert with her manager and would you believe? It’s none other than Fernando Jose. When she sees him on stage tickling that piano wearing the most beautiful scarf in the world, she suddenly regains her memory and freaks out so bad that she runs out to the street and is immediately run over by a car. One day later she wakes up in the hospital with a broken face looking like a hard boiled egg, and when she asks where her husband is, she’s told he’s married her sister. Rosalinda’s life is so terrible that she has officially won telenovelas.
When the show ends she’s walking down the aisle about to marry this rich daddy that she doesn’t really love, just to get revenge on Fernando Jose. But while the wedding is happening, Mr. Lloroncito finally gets a pair of balls implanted. He travels by car, by tractor and then finally by horse to crash the wedding and get his love back.
Rosalinda suddenly forgets about all the shit he’s done to her. She dumps the nice older guy and marries him instead even though they were technically already married, but whatever. What I do know is hopefully everyone lives happily ever after. The end.
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Narrated By: Tamara Yajia
Writer/Editor: Tamara Yajia
Editor: Paul Louis Smith